Be aware of, help prevent domestic violence

  • Published
  • By Matt Nicoli
  • Family Advocacy Intervention Specialist
HANSCOM AIR FORCE BASE, Mass. --  The real-life drama in Hollywood of people like Chris Brown and Rihanna, Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva or Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller has put the issue of domestic violence in the spotlight.

It is intriguing that some people "know" who is telling the truth, who is lying and who is capable of what actions. In the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown, some said she deserved the beatings and even provoked him. With Mel Gibson and his former girlfriend, there were two camps squarely facing off. Some paint Mel Gibson as an evil man, where others describe Oksana Grigorieva as manipulative. Brooke Mueller's record of addiction treatment was used to cast doubt on her credibility. Therefore, in the eyes of some, she must either be lying or is responsible for anything that occurred - if anything occurred at all.

The court of public opinion for celebrities functions in a similar manner to incidents that occur with everyday people. Often, someone's stellar work performance or outward public behavior is mistaken as an indication of their personality and character in all circumstances. There are far too many families - military and civilian - who have lived with domestic violence out of fear that they, too, will be under the same scrutiny as celebrities.

The dynamics of domestic violence go beyond someone being angry and lashing out. Everyone feels anger at one point or another, but not everyone chooses to take it out on their loved ones.

Domestic violence is more than a bad temper - it is about having control over another person. With domestic violence, someone decides that they are justified in hurting their loved one. They rationalize their own behavior by pointing the finger at the victim. The reasons are endless and range from having insecurities and feeling jealous, to having unrealistic expectations and entitlements about how they should be treated.

Domestic violence is gradual. The physical violence that people endure usually transpires after they have lived with emotional and verbal abuse for years. Constant put-downs, blame and insults are indicators that someone is abusive.

The occasional snide remark said out of hunger, fatigue or a bad day is not nice, but it is not typically said with the intention of controlling another. Continually belittling someone, destroying a loved one's property and forcing someone to choose him or her over others, whether it be a pet, family or friends, are all ways that people can try to control others. The process is so gradual that the minor behavior - the insults, isolated incidents where property is broken or incessant phone calls or texts to determine one's whereabouts - are often overlooked or justified.

When the physical abuse occurs, the victim may not have the ability to leave. To add insult to injury, some offenders will go to great lengths to appear as though they themselves are the victims - that their actions were done to "protect" themselves as they are the ones who live in fear. The mind games and manipulation can be defeating to a victim who wants justice, but finds none.

Unfortunately, the Air Force has its fair share of domestic violence incidents. They involve people of all backgrounds, faiths and ranks. Women have been abusive towards their male partners and vice versa. Pets have been killed, personal property has been damaged and people have been threatened or, tragically, killed as a result of domestic violence.

The reasons people stay in abusive relationships are as varied as the people in the relationships themselves. For some, the life they live, although unpleasant and chaotic, is familiar. Anything else - even if it means safety and stability - is too scary to contemplate.

All members of the military, regardless of branch of service, and Department of Defense civilians are mandated reporters and must report suspicions of domestic violence to the Family Advocacy Program.

If anyone suspects that someone may be living with domestic violence, take them seriously and let them know help is available. Tell them you believe them. Regardless of how things may seem, remember that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

For those in an abusive relationship, Family Advocacy can offer counseling and services to help them become healthier and safer. Family Advocacy offers these services to couples who are married, have a child together, are living together or have divorced but have since reconciled.

Transitions Family Violence Services operates an emergency shelter for people who are in danger due to domestic violence. In the event a person needs to leave someone who is abusive, they should try to have important documents (driver's license, birth certificates, social security cards) with them.

There is a restricted reporting option that may be available to those who are suffering from domestic violence. With restricted reporting, there are no notifications to command. Those being hurt are able to obtain counseling and treatment as long as they are not in immediate danger, have not told others of the incidents and do not have children who have been hurt by the incident.

There may also be financial assistance to those who are experiencing domestic violence through the Victim Witness Assistance Program in the Judge Advocate General's office.

Unfortunately, some couples have significant issues that result in dangerous situations. If this is the case, there are things that can be done. Know who to call in case of an emergency, and have a safety plan in place so you can get out.

The primary goal of the Family Advocacy Program (FAP) at Hanscom is to prevent and treat all forms of domestic violence in Air Force families. For more information regarding restricted reporting contact FAP.

For more information or tips, visit the FAP office, located in Building 1217, or call 781-377-4617.